and then...

to be just a thought, like a post-it, is to lead a very uncertain life.

two things i value the most... intimacy and the capacity for joy.

i was a more private person than ever, i thought. had i not known myself before? or was i changing? more and more i chose to stay alone. stuck with my books and dogs and cobweb decissions i would never make again.

from time to time it is fun to close your eyes and in the dark, say to yourself..."i am the greatest creator and when i open my eyes, i shall see before me a world for which i am only and completely responsible." so in the sense of it, i have created each of the person in my life. i am responsible for how they behave and what they do in my presence. i am the cause of you-as-i-know-you. nobody else in the world knows the you that is in my life.nobody knows the me that is in yours.

my man, he'll need to have found on his owm the same answers that i have found, that whatever we think, comes true in our lives, that miracles are not miraculous at all. him and i, we'll never get along unless....he'll have to be exactly the same as me!

"those advanced and perfect ones, they can suggest, they can hint whatever they want. but it is me who decides what to do. and i have decided that i am not going to live my life alone."

" why should it be that the most advanced of people, whose thoughts last for centuries, why should it be that they have always been alone? why dont we ever see miraculous equals with whom they share their adventures and their love? they are pressed by those who come to them through admiration. but how often do we find soulmates, glorious and powerfull beloveds right close by? sometimes? once in a while? never"

i call this one "my love in thought"

so very often than not one is oblidged to give reasons for one's thoughts.. why do i love, why do i hate, why do i think, why do i not, why do i feel, why do i not... i believe not every thought can be explained..not even to oneself. yeh..so there are thoughts..that have been thought and thought..and rendered and editted..based on memories and facts and all that other data stored in your heart and mind. but then there are these other ones...that just pop up..generally..out of the blue.just like that. neither do they have a foundation, nor any use. they dont even have to mean much to me. almost like they dont belong in my head. like a phantom mind was generating them and everyonce in a while they pop up into my present and real stream of thoughts by accident. now its hard to record them..without having to face the consequences. because ultimately..these thoughts, like the others, will be questioned...and mostly, questioning them and figuring them out leads to their ultimate end. per

yeh...its that time already... the dreaded phase of the diploma project when your client insists on immediate action and you are yet to find a roof to put over your head..let alone that food you need to put into your stomach. and the god forbidden nid campus (bangalore) seems to be miles away from everything...hopefully ill find a place soon that i can move into and can go back to everyday from work without getting mugged....

well.... have never been much of a romantic. i mean of course..i tell myself that i am..but ultimately..do i really relate to that word? i mean yeh..i definately am someone who loves security...all kinds...emotional too...but i think i confuse that with the melodrama involved in filmy romance sometimes...so actual..flowery, serenading romance would make me throw up. so guess i guess i need to quickly stop getting influenced by all these plastic doll stuff and accept certain facts... a cup o chai is sooooo much more releiving than a bunch of ugly roses! i know i sound like one of those punks..but its just about what i am comfortable with at the end of the day isnt it. i know i knwo..i harass that poor boyfriend of mine too much sometimes...but ultimately...god..am i glad he is the way he is...

have never found myself take up turtle like speed when it comes to making decisions about my relationships. is interesting how certain people hold such massive hold over you that it becomes impossible(almost) for you to be able to let go. though i realised..(after hours of shower sessions and completely clean feet!!!) the it is not difficult to end anything. it is not a big deal..quite contradictory to what people make of it. the whole bloody drama about how...and words like "i cant". is nothing but just a lot of melodramatic trash that has seeped into real life from the reel version. if i decide to end something today, it is pretty much possible just by the fact that i have decided it. me telling myself something is good enough a factor to give myself the strength to carry on with a decision. so then, the conclusion reached by the end of my shower gel was not whether i need to decide or not..but whether i am acting according to my prior decisions. whether what i am doing now

drenched in that strange feeling of confusion and self questioning. new place...strange language...and the distances are definately killer. lost my way at the airport...(more because of my own thought process than anything else actually). had to explain my predicament to fifty different people. reaching the conclusion that it is very much possible to suddenly be aware of your own accent. wondering why i chose to come actually...feels nice to be treated like a proffesional but you kinda end up missing being able to not have each word you say judged and then find yourself wondering at night whether you just got your salary cut by a painful amount (and i havent even started yet!)